There are some days when by 10 am I am wishing I had a big bar of chocolate, a bath, and maybe a glass of wine to decompress from the few hours that I have already had to deal with trying to juggle two children. Or if not wine than a big glass of chocolate coconut milk!
The jump from one child to two has been more difficult than I anticipated to adjust to. Learning how to judge who’s needs are the most important at that particular moment. Trying to juggle more laundry, dishes, feeding schedules, lack of sleep, and maybe throw a shower in there and time to brush my teeth too (ah the luxuries of being clean!).
Then of course add all of the health stuff that I deal with day to day. Making sure that Little Cub gets all of her meds and supplements, making doctor appointment after appointment, calling insurance companies and fighting for things to be covered (formula, regular ped visits, upcoming hospital visits, etc), researching- oh so much researching, calling doctors offices and insurance to follow up about past calls, calling companies to find out about their processing practices or about some ingredient that could be derived from some trigger food, figuring out what food to trial next, and so much more.
Some days I look at the clock and wonder- how on earth am I going to handle the x number of hours until hubby gets home?! How am I going to handle not pulling my own hair out or screaming? How can I turn this day around and feel like a decent parent by the end of it?
I often feel guilty during these days, because a lot of the time my children are just being wonderfully typical children. They are needing things from me at the same time and when I can’t magically split myself in two and take care of them both, one or the other loses it and starts howling like the world is ending. Yes, it is true that mama isn’t as magical as you once thought, my young ones. I can’t sit on the couch and feed brother his bottle AND get what sister needs from the kitchen- RIGHT NOW!- at the same time. It isn’t physically possible…but does that make a difference to either wee one? Nope. They are tired or hungry or need a diaper change and of course that makes them want to cry. And sometimes they just want to play with me. Of course not in the same way or together- at least the two year old doesn’t want me to play with or even hold brother, when playing with her. Little brother could careless as long as someone is talking to him and making faces.
My guilt comes from feeling like I am losing my sanity and have a very short temper. Not because I can’t be in two places at once or because it isn’t perfectly typical for a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old to act in such a ways, because it is. It really, really is very typical. But because we have MUCH harder days. Days were screaming is from pain, not from frustration. Where throw up and diarrhea almost run down the walls (and sometimes literally do). Days where we have spent countless hours at the doctors office and tired small people just can’t handle anymore.
So days like today? When there is nothing really wrong but my nerves are fried and littles are just acting like littles? Shouldn’t I just be grateful for days like today? I should be and I am. But I am also sad and pissed off that I have to be grateful for crazy days that make other parents feel just as out of control. I want to be able to not feel guilty for having a hard time during a typical new to parenting two children hard day.
Update: and then sometimes you later learn that part of that hard day with the toddler was actually her having a reaction build up. Pooping twice during the day, flushing all day, behavioral swings, hives that weren’t very responsive to meds, new-to-her rash on her bum that is quite impressive and painful looking, over sensitive to stimuli, etc… Oh well, I guess things make a bit more sense now.
I am the mother two wonderful and Rare children and am honored to be the step mama to two awesome teenagers.